In a very short version, let’s just say September has been harsh. It has been a rough month for us as a family and for me physically. There have been a lot of moments in this last month, and really in the last 3.5 years, that I thought the pressure might make me snap. I felt stretched way beyond any point of comfort. I have had days when getting out of bed was a choice. Choosing to see the good was a choice. Loving those around me and serving them was a choice. There have been many days I truly didn’t think there was any more within me to give. Reality is life has a way of pushing just a little further.
Friday we got some rough news—News I was not prepared for and news I certainly did not wish to hear. It hit me hard and I broke. I broke and to be real, I had a really open conversation with God. I was hurting and I was overwhelmed, feeling like I could not face one more challenge. God listened to me…and then he lovingly showed me that although I feel vulnerable, I have not broken. I am stronger than I think.
Sometimes I want to buckle and give in. I don’t, normally just because I am stubborn. Sometimes, I feel as though I am standing on a cliff ready to fall at any point, but I have never fallen. Life, with all of its ups and downs, is showing me that there is more in me than I can see. The deposits I have spent time receiving from God were not just for then. Those deposits have gained interest and I am receiving more from them now than back when I first got them. Times when things get hard are when we must pull from our history with God. We must dive into the scripture and be reminded of God’s character, knowing that He never changes!
I am more thankful today for a loving Father then ever before. None of the things we face take him by surprise. He is strong. He is more than enough. He is the all-in-all. He is my daddy! He lets me climb on his lap even when I am throwing a tantrum. He talks to me when I yell at him. He is patient and kind when I am reckless and mean. He is everything I desire to be.
As I set my eyes on Him and push forward the two verses ministering to my heart are:
Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.
Isaiah 41:10 – Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.